Shattered to Be Unbroken

There was some point in my life when I switched from the happy-go-lucky child who loved life to an angst young lady. Somewhere, somehow, and at some point, I suddenly became worried about everything I was and how I looked. I began looking everywhere for something or someone that would make me feel happy, wanted, worthy, and loved. The search lasted a long time. I never once gave any thought as to why I was like that. To me, it was normal. Doesn’t everyone feel lost and alone at times? Doesn’t everyone want someone to love them? I couldn’t possibly be the only one. Or was I? Going through it at that time, I honestly thought I was the only one that was so messed up that no one could possibly want me as part of their life. It seemed as though no matter what I did, it was never enough. Never enough to make everyone around me happy. Never enough to receive love and attention from who I needed it from the most. Never enough to feel worth anything. Never enough to accomplish those dreams that were on my heart since my unjaded childhood. I just accepted the fact I would never be enough.

As I grew older, the emptiness felt heavier and darker. I was stumbling around just trying to make sense of things. I was reaching for anyone that would listen, but no one ever heard me. No one understood me. I was forced to squish myself into this box to fit the expectations of others. However, no matter how hard I tried their expectations were never met. I was miserable. If I dare try being myself, or who I thought I was, someone was always there to laugh or to tell me I was wrong. The sad confusion about it, I honestly don’t know if I really knew who I was then because so many people and circumstances had adulterated the beautiful things that made me who I am. I was tainted, tattered, and broken.

While I don’t believe in blaming others or my circumstances for my thoughts or behavior. I won’t deny the fact that people and circumstances still play a role in how we respond and who we become. This is where the struggle comes in. We can either use those things as an excuse or we can use them as motivation. Last year is when I began to understand that even more. God began a healing process in me as I’ve never experienced. It was not easy! There was the side of me that did not want to face the things He was doing. I wanted to shut off and just keep focusing on the external. But I knew from experience, that I couldn’t do that. If I wanted better than what I’ve had before then I had to change! I had been trying to change things on my own for years. This worked for a while but I always seemed to stay in the struggle. There was never really any true peace and contentment. I always felt like it was NEVER ENOUGH.

There it is again, that “never enough”. Even I treated myself the way I didn’t like to be treated. The issue wasn’t that it was never enough, it wasn’t enough of the right thing. The only way I learned what the right thing was, was to get closer to God. I will warn you when you turn your face to Him and diligently seek what He has for you, it’s going to hurt for a bit. He will not take you to better without first working perfection in you. You will face trials. He will rip out those old rotten roots that are not producing any useful fruit. But as you go through this process with Him, peace will begin to grow and all the new He is doing will begin to flourish. All the old nasty weeds will start to die because there will no longer be any room for them. His living water will flow through you in ways it never has before. You will finally be able to see things in ways you have never seen before because the overgrowth of pointless things in you is no longer there.

The best way I can describe what He did is that He shattered me to make me unbroken. He had to rip all the temporary bandages and glue that I put on my heart to try to keep it together. Those temporary solutions were not working no matter how much I slapped on. So, He ripped all that stuff off and I literally felt like I was falling apart. I had no idea how to function. My thoughts “Lord, what are you doing? I don’t like this, but I trust you!” I trusted Him because I knew I couldn’t do this alone and He knew exactly what I needed, and I didn’t. Being that surrendered was not easy for me. None of us want to lay it all down and let someone else be completely in charge. As a human, we like being the boss and the one in control. Well, clearly, we don’t have a clue how to do it right outside of the guidance of the Lord. If you think you do, think again. You should be able to look at your life and see that you don’t get it all right. We won’t even get it all right when we get closer to God but He will always walk us through whatever we come to. He already knows we are not perfect! Hello…He sent His only Son to die on the cross for us to take care of that issue!

As He put me back together, I began to hold the goodness He was putting in me. It is impossible to hold His good inside of what we consider an old broken vessel. His goodness is what helped me hold it together with my own repair job, but it wasn’t strong enough. The good stuff would just keep seeping out quicker than I could pour it in! The whole process was not easy for me but it ushered in peace and contentment that I've never had before. I no longer feel unworthy, unseen, unloved, or unwanted. He fulfills all those needs without any expectations from me. I don't have to prove anything to Him for Him to LOVE all of me. He simply does. That feeling is the most amazing feeling when you spent the majority of your life trying to prove yourself to others and it was never enough. Now, I get to simply walk with Him and be who He wants me to be and what others think no longer matters.

Even though I am still in a season of waiting, for several areas of my life, there are still things that I continue to focus on that He is having me focus on. I still often say “Lord, what are you doing? I don’t like this, but I trust you!” during those moments of wondering when certain things are going to happen or change. He wants us is to tell Him and ask Him…every day, every moment, every minute. Nothing is insignificant to Him. If it’s not worth asking for, it’s not worth having. If you find yourself in a place that you just can’t seem to change or to get where you would like to go…it’s time for you to change your focus to seeking the Lord first. Make a relationship with Him a priority. He will never deny anyone who seeks Him!

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